On Iceland.
I’ve been living in Melbourne my entire life, and every time my family goes for a holiday it’s in Australia. I’ve been to New Zealand because Dad had to go for work anyway, and I’ve been to China because I had the chance to go with school. I love Australia, but I’ve seen almost all of it. I have seen everything but the far north-east rainforests. I’ve seen my fair share of red-dirt and eroded mountain ranges, layers upon layers of sedimentary rock from an incredible sea-bed. I don’t want anyone to think I don’t appreciate this, I have loved seeing every part of this country once, but now it’s time for something new. I want to see a new landscape, not only new to me, but geologically. I want to see tundra, because the closest I’ve come to that is the nullarbor, which is akin to saying the closest I’ve come to waygu beef is a McDonalds cheeseburger. I want to see glaciers after having spent many hours working on 2 science projects on them in middle school. I want to see deer where they’re not a pest, I want to see the remnants of a culture that were litteral first settlers and didn’t kick an indigenous people out of their home. But more than that, I want to see what I can of an unspoilt wilderness, and I want to do it without my family. There’s no chance I’ll be able to afford to move out of home anytime in the next 3 or so years, but there is a chance I can spend a month or so on holiday without them. It’s not that I don’t like my family, it’s just that I want to have a chance to develop myself. Prove to myself beyond speculation that for a month or so I could live alone. This small arctic island (by temperature not geographic definition) is exactly what I’d want in an escape, but I realise it’s unrealistic. I’m aware that it is unlikely for me to both have a spare $10,000 odd dolars (AU) at the same time as having the free time to actually go on this holiday. So now, the idea is what keeps me sane. The idea of being able to go and see mountains, snow, black beaches and Icelandic ponies and not just spend another month hardly leaving a 30Km radius of my bedroom is what I find most appealing.
The worst part is I’m doing this to myself, I’m stuck here because I’ve made a decision and I can’t decide if it’s right or not. I’m more than content studying at uni, and I know this because I have nothing to enjoy around uni other than my actual studies having avoided clubs, societies, parties and making friends and yet the whole thing doesn’t make me too unhappy. However, as I look at my prospects, the chances for employment as a chemist (if I do choose to major in chemistry) aren’t too flash. I know I’m going to have to settle, and I’ll probably live the same boring middle-class life as everyone I’ve ever known. But this doesn’t daunt me, I’m not discontent with this idea, with this ‘lack of purpose’ that used to bother me. I actually want that, I just want the ability to be able to break it for periods of time. That is not, however, what a responsible adult does, not something employers generally sympathise with, and even less so a family should I ever have one. I’m restless, and it is only going to get me in trouble or deviate me from living a ‘normal’ life.
In short, I’m between a rock and a hard place, as far as my future is concerned, and blowing an hour or so everyday watching videos and looking at pictures about iceland just helps me cope, even as it reminds me of the problem.
N.B. I’ve written this as a stream-of-consciousness piece. I know, it reads like it and you’d already guessed. Somehow though, as this develops it makes more sense. I’m posting it here so I don’t loose it, if I write it down in person I’ll throw it out, here, I’ll keep it. I don’t want anyone to worry about me as a result of this though. Please be sure that my current feelings are those of conflict, but while I’m confused and I feel like I have to make some sort of horrible decision, I’m not unhappy. No, I’m not happy either, but I’m alright, this is just something I have to work out, and as the internet you’re privy to my internal (now external) monologue. I’ll be fine, but this is my dilema.
Photo reblogged from : nicoleta-geanta
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